Mellow yellow…

Posted on Aug 23, 2017 | 1 comment

..is everywhere at the moment. Polyanthus, daffodils, jonquils, lachenalia, kowhai, forsythia, you look- it’s there.  Yellow is the colour of spring, it’s a lift of the heart, it makes the spirits rise.   Its interesting that in spite of these beauties, yellow is used as a pejorative term to mean cowardice.

Cowardice is usually only in the eye of the beholder.   A good number of conscientious objectors were labelled cowards simply because they wouldn’t fight.  Women (who didn’t have to fight) presented them with a white feather whenever they were brave enough to walk along a street.   They were crucified, imprisoned treated harshly, and I don’t need to repeat the full list of horrors that happened to anyone who spoke against the wars.

And there’s the lesbians and gays who’ve been badly treated, both physically, mentally  and verbally, and you know about the beaten women and kids whose lives are wrecked by someone who equates strength with brutality.  Whatareya?

No political parties wear yellow as their colour.   However, the Wellington Hurricanes wear yellow jerseys and they (the jerseys) look great.   Did they copy the the Wellington Weta which has yellow and black stripes and who gather together in little lines each one hugging the one above.  A group like this is called a gallery, so I’m told.  They used to hang around the back of the garden shed when I lived in Lower Hutt.  I’m not fond of creepy crawlies but I had to admire their outfits.

But whether you like it or hate it, or whatever it might signify to you, every time I see this colour in the spring it makes me hopeful.  Against all evidence in the world to the contrary, when I look at a yellow kowhai flower or some jonquils in a pot, clumps of polyanthus in the garden,  I feel happy and hopeful.

 

 

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Poetry Day, Otaki

Posted on Aug 16, 2017 | 0 comments

I don’t remember when I first started reading poetry for my own pleasure but at Greenmeadows School in Standard One I remember learning The Highwayman (Alfred Noyes) and another one with the first line …Do you remember an inn, Miranda?  When the entire standard one class said this line in unison and our voices went up at the end and ended in a series of little squeaks it was one of life’s truly hideous moments.  Like a knife being scraped across an enamel plate.

The teacher wanted us to ask it like a question so she encouraged our voices going up the scale but the reason I remember only that first line and yet – if pushed – I could probably remember all the seventeen verses of The Highwayman is because it had story and drama and those two ingredients always draw a response both from kids and adults.  Although when the whole class said it in unison the result was equally gruesome.

Then  when I was doing the first part of my degree, as an extra-mural Massey student I was introduced to John Donne, considered the greatest of the Metaphysical poets.  I remember that he got married to Ann More and was immediately put in jail and from there he wrote…

John Donne

Ann More

Undone.

However, it all ended happily.  I can’t remember the first time I read a poem written by a New Zealand poet but it was some time earlier and it was probably Ursula Bethell.  She’s the one I remember anyway.  I lived in Hawke’s Bay when Jim Baxter and Lou Johnson held poetry readings in Hastings.  Louis Johnson worked as a journalist for the Hawke’s Bay Herald Tribune.  I trundled over to hear them and a friend and I watched as Baxter chewed an apple all through Johnson’s reading.

Then the 70s and a lot of women’s poetry began to be published in Aotearoa.  Not before time.

A long time and a lot of poetry reading later I spent a year in Lynne Davidson’s poetry class at Whitireia, an experience I loved.  She’s a good poet and there were good ones in the class and poems were shared, read, while we looked at form and tried to write some poems for the collection we had to hand in at the end of the year.

But the rest of it is reading, listening, finding my way, not making hasty judgements, making hasty judgements, knowing that a line is perfect but its in the wrong poem.

How these experiences led to me and my courageous students in my current Poem-a Week Workshop into organising a session to celebrate National Poetry Day in Otaki is unclear but they did and we are.  So if you’re in Otaki on Friday August 25, between 5-7pm, come along to the Maoriland Hub on Main Street and read us a poem.

 

 

 

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Woman on a hill

Posted on Aug 9, 2017 | 0 comments

Woman on a hill

 

A road along  two blocks of kauri

pathway to somewhere I knew

night and the mountain are merging

black ice out there on the blue.

 

A track on the edge of the cliff top

like a wild cat leading me true

a rope on the gate of the old place

black ice out there on the blue.

 

no house with a bed, no sack in a shed

some fruit on a tree, a song going free.

 

A bar between river and ocean

a bridge of tears long overdue

soft sigh of shadows on water

black ice out there on the blue.

 

Renée

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Main Street

Posted on Aug 2, 2017 | 0 comments

Main street, Otaki, is bi-lingual?  Come on mate – it’s multi-lingual.  Certainly the primary languages are Te Reo Maori and English but many other languages are alive and well on Main Street.

There’s a woman sitting on a seat just before I cross over to Main Street.  She says,’What you reckon about this Jacinda?’    I shrug.  ‘Yeah,’ she says, ‘you’re right.’  Then she grins and raises a thumb and I have to grin back.  ‘We’ll see,’ I say.  And we both smile.  A whole chapter of a literary novel in these few words.

Up the street there are hoots, shouts, laughs, hugs, music, squeaky walkers (I’m referring to the frames), the drone of mobility scooters.  There are raised eyebrows, pursed mouths, nods, laughs, whispers.  Strangers smile good morning and friends walk past each other, their heads busy with what they need to remember at the supermarket or the butcher.  Some of us lug library books and complete strangers stop us, indicating the book with a flick. ‘Any good?’ their eyebrows ask.

A man walks alone, deep in thought, an expression that says, don’t mess with me.  Another man does a wide detour around him then stops as the first guy flicks his head.  The second man goes back his body expressing great reluctance.  There is a short low-voiced conversation.  Then each goes their separate way one looking relieved, the other impassive.

A young woman stands in front of a queue at an ATM and stares at the screen.  She is rigid with shock.  What has happened?  Is she all right?  Then speech returns.  ‘Mum,’ she yells, ‘Mum, it’s eaten my card.’  The queue members turn round, look at each.  Nod.  We’ll come back later.

Someone shouts from the play area.  We don’t know what they said (we’re thinking what to get at the supermarket etc etc) but we nod and smile and hope to God that’s the right answer and that they haven’t said I’m just off to rob the bank.

Eyes meet eyes, automatic responses to someone managing a walking stick.  ‘Poor thing,’ the eyes around him say to each other, ‘one of these days, it’ll be us.’

A young man, carrying a triumphant toddler, pushes an empty stroller, grins at comments from his mates.    A woman and man walk, one each end of a column of small children, maybe from Kohanga?  They are so cute and so intent as they hold hands and follow the leader.  None of us can stop smiling.

Outside an op shop someone says, ‘Mmn,’ studies something for a moment, then walks purposefully into the shop.  We all have a quick look to see what impressed her and either look considering, puzzled or approving.

Communication in action doesn’t really need words.  Frowns, eyebrows, hands, sniffs, pursed lips, smiles, do the job they are meant to do.  Like someone weaving a giant harakeke wall hanging, these threads meet, move in and out, weave up and down and around the two main languages adding drama. comedy, curiosity, and life to Main Street.

 

 

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Thanks for the memory…

Posted on Jul 26, 2017 | 0 comments

Recently I read that colour affects memory.  The brighter the colour, the more likely you are to remember the person who was wearing it.

Does that apply to what used to be called Purple prose or Purple passages?  These were the pages in a novel where two (or more) people had sex which seemed to take quite a few pages and involve alarmingly gymnastic feats which, over time took on more and more the tone of a sergeant major giving instructions on a how-to sex session.

Dowagers in Regency novels by Georgette Heyer, wore purple and it is often referred to as a royal colour.  Not meant for us mere mortals.  Then along came When I’m an old woman I will wear purple (Jenny Jones) and the novel, The Colour Purple (Alice Walker) and purple was in favour – well, among the literary types and those strident feminists who chose purple as their colour. But purple has never been as popular as red.

I can’t imagine anyone singing Solidarity Forever and waving a fawn flag, can you?  Maybe you’ve never sung Solidarity Forever?  Believe me, the flag has to be red.  Maybe red reminds people shivering with cold, what its like to be warm?   The Salvation Army Founders, Evangeline and William Booth, evidently thought red was the right background colour for their flag when they proceeded to gather in and save poor, starving working class men and women for Jesus.  Took a century or maybe a little more for them to agree that the word ‘people’ also includes lesbians, gays and transgender people, but they eventually got there.  Their slogan is Blood and Fire so it was red all the way.  The New Zealand Red Cross supplies help in emergency situations, organises meals on wheels and other community services such as First Aid workshops.

But –  let’s never forget that The Soviet Union chose red and that ended very very badly indeed for millions of working class and literary stars.  So the colour has no value as such, its the people who choose it as an emblem and then go flat out to associate the colour with good or bad outcomes that influence how it is regarded.

How I loved, still love, Deep Purple, by Hoagy Carmichael.  The simplicity and tenderness of it still can make me stop what I’m doing and listen.  But I can’t say that’s actually seeing it.  Another force is at work here.

I’ve been thinking about what it is that attracts us to different colours – why for example do I like red, purple and yellow when someone sitting next to me in a meeting looksbeautiful in the pink and cream she obviously loves?

Am I really more likely to remember someone wearing  red, purple or yellow, than I am to remember someone wearing pink and fawn?  I’m not sure this is right.  I have always had a propensity to forget names (laziness, I suspect) but remember faces.   I know that I know this person and that is usually enough for the name to pop into my head after a minute or two and if not, I ask.   I’m more likely to remember what people say than what colour they might have been wearing.  If they made me laugh then they could have been wearing a grey dress covered with fawn dots, a pale taupe scarf and and a pink cameo brooch and  I’d still remember them with pleasure.

I did an unofficial survey of six people.   Would they be more likely to remember someone wearing bright colours than someone wearing pale colours?  Three said they thought they’d remember people in bright-coloured clothes, more than the ones in subdued colours, two said they didn’t think it made any difference, and the last one said the one she remembers most vividly and will never forget is the one she met on Bondi beach in Sydney twenty-five years ago, when neither of them were wearing anything at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Slow Boat…

Posted on Jun 28, 2017 | 0 comments

I walked up Cuba Mall and then up onto Cuba and began to think I’d made a mistake.  I stopped a young woman who smiled and obligingly took off her earphones.  ‘Am I on the track for Slow Boat Records?’ I asked, ‘I’m beginning to think I might have walked past.’

She smiled.  ‘No, it’s up there, see the yellow sign?’  She saw I was relieved and then said, ‘If you’re looking for Slow Boat you must have good taste in music, I go in there all the time.’ And with a grin and a wave, she was off.

I wanted to ask Slow Boat if they had any sheet music of old songs eg Dylan, Kristofferson, Bette Midler (eg The Rose) and so on and so on. I know this is my son’s generation songs but no law that says they can’t be mine as well.

Anyway, I can now play a select number of chords (3 lots of 3) with my left hand and can (almost) tap out the melody of a song at the same time as playing the chords.  You very quickly learn to hear how vocal line notes go (eg sound better) with some chords rather than others. I also learned that a lot of lyricists only know (eg invent), the melody line and its their producer who gets some musicians in to do the left hand stuff.  That cheered me up.

The big thing I learned over the last four months is that its okay to play just for my own satisfaction.  If I make mistakes or fumble, that’s okay.  That if I don’t get pleasure out of something then I don’t have to make myself do it.  In fact there is no ‘have to’, there’s is only if it doesn’t make me smile then do something else.  That doesn’t mean I eschew practice, I am a fan of practice, am a long fan of rehearsal and its benefits.  So I will practise endlessly if I like what I’m trying to do.  I have two goals.  One is to play songs I like.  The other is to practise them until I can (more or less) get to the end without faltering.  And over all I have to get pleasure from it, feel a sense of achievement.  Smile.

So I entered Slow Boat and was fishing around the shelves in a hopeless kind of way when I was approached by a member of staff.  Smiling.  ‘Can I help?’ she said.

Out it poured.

‘Oh dear,’ she said, ‘I know exactly what you mean.  I had a pile of sheet music of old songs and took some along to the Salvation Army yesterday.  But, ‘ she said, before I could burst into loud sobs, ‘there’s still a pile in my boot.  Have you got email?’

I had email and a phone number.  I stretched out my hand, ‘Renée,’ I said, ‘thank you.’

‘Ondine,’ she said, taking my hand, ‘it’s a pleasure.  I’m pleased to give them to someone who really wants them.’

So I walked out of Slow Boat thinking, well go that river of Pop, Nick Bollinger wrote about.  He was right.  Somewhere in that river there’s a place for me.  And I think Slow Boat Records on Cuba might be the arrow pointing the way.

 

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Just wondering…

Posted on Jun 21, 2017 | 1 comment

I’m thinking of the money that has been spent, is being spent and will be spent on the boat race in Florida, thinking of the money that’s being spent on the British Isles Rugby tour,  of the money for the flash lunch held by the Auckland City Council when most invitees would have been happy with a far more modest offering.

Then there’s the CEOs who will get their huge pay rises in a month or so, there’s the money spent on asking people to vote for a particular party in the next election, there’s all this hoohaa over the Christchurch Cathedral – like a plain wooden building wouldn’t be okay for this Christ person?

There’s District and City Councils, who, it appears, can’t be bothered organising  their own, so we have to pay for their meals.  What makes these councillors so special?  They get paid just like everyone else, the majority of whom organise their own lunches.

I’m thinking of the botch-up of a government department’s new online system which will now have to be done again – more money down the drain.  None of the people involved will have lost a cent of their wages. And another department mixes up who should get what amounts of money in the Health System but oh, don’t worry, you lot who got more than you should have, you can keep it.

Oh and yes, the payout the absent-minded National MP Todd Barclay made with help from the then PM.

Steam rising…is there one rule for the haves and one for the have-nots?  Better ask a police officer.

And then I think of the kid sleeping in a car, the five-year-old blind girl and her family who were sent away, the old woman who goes to bed at 6pm because she can’t afford electricity, the woman who does three jobs so she can get enough money to pay the rent and buy food for herself and her two kids.  I think of the men who labour on farms, for a pittance because, it is said, part of their wages is the pleasure of living in a cold unheated house miles from anywhere.  I think of the polluted rivers and the fees being paid to select boarding schools.

Then I get told there’s no class system in this country?  Give me a break…

 

 

 

 

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All anyone wants…

Posted on Jun 14, 2017 | 0 comments

is somewhere to live,

somewhere to work,

someone to love,

something to hope for.

Norman Kirk’s words echo like the faint sound of a bell heard in a dark room.  Not because he didn’t mean them, or because he wasn’t right, but because, at this moment in time, whether you’re for Labour, National, Green, NZ First, United, Act, or Opportunities Party, there is no-one saying these words because if they did they might have to do something about them.

Words get all dressed up in other clothes.  Any time the Minister for Education say, or Housing, or Environment, is asked a question, whatever the question, the answer is, ‘We’ve put in lots of millions of dollars and we have a plan,’ or ‘if you vote us in we will put umpteen million dollars into fixing this – or even that.’

We will fix up the health system, we will fix housing, we will fix education, is the cry but they never tell us how, just parrot, again, how much they have, or will, put into that area.

No-one from any party ever says,  all anyone wants is somewhere to live, somewhere to work, someone to love, something to hope for.  And we will see that they get it.

You know why they don’t say it?  Because the words are too simple (haven’t been written by a speech writer or vetted by one of the spin doctors) , too powerful (can’t be too upfront, have to be vague, have to waffle and talk about the money we’ve put in or will put in), too scary (we might lose our seat if we say things that anyone can understand at first hearing).  These are words a child could understand.  If we say such simple words the voters will think we’re stupid, we have to talk the talk, the fudge, the techno crap, that the people we pay high wages to, tell us we must because the polls say that what people want.  This is why they don’t say these words.

So I think we should say them.  We should front up.  Stand on street corners.  Stand up on the grass in front of parliament, on Queen Street, on every damn street corner in this country and say, very loudly, to everyone we meet…they might not  be able to supply someone to love but they can definitely do the rest.  All it takes is the will to do so.  And if they do the three then the fourth will follow.  So – all together now…

All we want is…

somewhere to live

somewhere to work

someone to love

something to hope for.

Seventeen words my friends, seventeen words in this year 2017, that’s all it will take.  Because if we don’t say them, who the hell will?

 

 

 

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Walk on in the sunshine sing a little sunshine song dah dah dah…

Posted on Jun 7, 2017 | 1 comment

I caught myself singing loudly along with something on the radio.  Not a song I knew the words to so la-la-la-ing was doing the trick.  I thought how good it is to be able to sing.  And even better, not to care whether one’s voice is ‘good’ or ‘bad’.  Just singing for the pleasure of it.

When we are kids we sing a lot,  We sing songs because we like to make the sounds, we sing lines we have made up between various object or toys, so a chair can sing to a table or a path can talk to a letter-box.  Sometimes our songs are quenched by the adults around us but they can’t take the urge away entirely.

We sneak little songs in, sometimes quietly in our heads, sometimes out loud.  At school, we sit at a desk or table, and we work, answer questions, sometimes talk, laugh, and sometimes inside we sing to keep out spirits up.

We discover other people’s songs, we start to grow likings for some songs over others.  It’s a mysterious process this and there’s no telling why we like one sound better than another but we do.   Or why our friends don’t happen to like the same sounds we do.  They’re probably asking the same thing about us.

We discover lyrics.  And we begin to realise how important they can be.  So we compare and contrast and love them or not.  We read them, think about them, even try to write them, or play them.

We listen to others singing but we forget to sing ourselves.  Life’s too busy, our voices are raspy, we don;t feel comfortable singing with others in case they think our voice is no good.  And gradually we forget to sing at all.  We listen to others but we forget that we can do it too.

I was out among a crowd of people the other night and a friend came up to me to say hello.  We talked about our current activities and she said she was in a choir. ‘I can’t sing now,’ she said, ‘and neither can the others, but we love singing so we get together and sing.’  I loved that.

I made a promise to myself,  that whatever I sound like (and I have a damaged vocal chord so you can imagine I don’t sound great), I will still sing.  If I hear a song on the radio I will sing along.  If I watch a singer or musician on youtube I will sing along.  And whether neither of these things happen I will still sing.

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In defence of bad piano players…

Posted on May 31, 2017 | 2 comments

How many times have you said or heard someone else say, ‘Why do they bother?’  You’ve just listened to an excruciating rendition of Mozart’s 65th Prelude in W Minor (or whatever and his sister probably wrote it anyway) simply because you happened to see a friend and stopped to talk (not gossip, heavens no) outside a house and inadvertently listened to some poor schmuck who thinks they’re David Dolan (or whoever).

To us bad players this attitude comes as no surprise.  The only surprise might be that we don’t care.  We’re trying to find a chord progression for God’s sake, then we’re trying to play a chord progression, make the damn thing flow like it was no problem, that it just rippled from our fingers like water rippling down a brook (yes we write bad similes too, okay?).

I tell you it’s not easy.  Even when we find a simple chord progression for the left hand we still have to think what the fuck we’re going to do with the right hand.  Knit?  Paint?  Perhaps bake a batch of biscuits?   No sense letting it lie idle, then you’ll really have something to grizzle about.

We are a happy breed though, us bad players.  Whether its guitar or piano, drums or cello, we bravely keep on.  Lost in our dream of one day, one day, playing a melody over a chord progression that actually works.  While it might sound like we’re in a dark wood palely loitering, we are actually improvising which good players do as well.   Improvisation is a word that covers a lot of fiddling about.  It can mean you’re going somewhere.   It can mean you are working something out.  Or it can mean I don’t know where the hell I’m going with this but I’m going to do it till I get somewhere even if its nowhere.

We might even write a song.  The notes we’re playing might very well be a song.  Not a good song.  I won’t go that far.   Doesn’t matter how long it takes to work it out.   Leonard Cohen took years to write his songs.  Probably improvised the hell out of the keys before he wrote Hallelujah, or You Want it Darker? And Robert Allen Zimmerman probably improvised like crazy before he became Bob Dylan and wrote When I paint my Masterpiece or The times they are a-changing.

Obviously they actually got somewhere with their improvising when they wrote these songs but look at it this way.  How many times did they improvise like Armageddon was coming tomorrow and come up with nothing?  How many times did Michelangelo paint the Sistine chapel before he got what he wanted?  Huh?

We bad players are simply following in the steps of the Great Improvisors.  True, we might stop before we get to their celestial heights or we might go on heroically playing the same damn chord progression forever.  So what?

Look at it this way.  There were, I have no doubt, lots of jeering comments when those poor buggers started carrying great bricks to build the pyramids.  Or naysayers saying nay when the equally poor buggers started trudging up and down with bags of cement to build the Pantheon.  Did the person who thought of these creations worry?  Let the jeers bother them?  Of course not.  Did Rosa Luxemberg,   Emma Goldman  or Helen Kelly ever stop their battling on behalf of the workers because people said unkind things about them?

All of these illustrious ones are examples of improvisations that finally got somewhere.  The pyramids were made, the pantheon met its target date.  We might have to wait a bit before Helen or Rosa or Emma and let’s not forget Sonja Davies’s dreams come true but there are other people improvising on their golden examples.

While I might have drawn what some might say are fairly tenuous links between these heroic ones and bad piano players the point is that none of them stopped what they were doing because they were called bad players did they?  No of course not. They just kept on improvising.

Go for it, that’s what I say.

 

 

 

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Do you know what it means to miss leafy greens…

Posted on May 10, 2017 | Comments Off on Do you know what it means to miss leafy greens…

I am missing being able to go out to the garden and just pick whatever I want for the pot.  All the seedlings I put in are growing and I could probably nick a few lettuce leaves but the spinach and silver beet will be a while yet.  Every year at this lull time I try silverbeet from the supermarket and every year after I’ve steamed it, I take a mouthful and then sit and look at the rest.   So with apologies to Eddie deLange & Louis Alter who wrote the song and to Louis Armstrong who made it so popular, here’s another version.

Do you know what it means to miss leafy greens

To look at your plate and sigh

I know that its wrong

But the feeling’s getting stronger

Everything seems awry

 

Been listening to blues

and wondering who

thought this silver beet was okay

Cost me a bomb and most of it is useless

And what is left tastes like glue

 

Lettuces and rocket,

parsley in my pocket

Wattie’s frozen – or canned?

Maybe rice?   Would make it nice?

Or pasta with cheese and ham?

 

Do you know what it means to miss leafy greens

To look at your plate and sigh

I know that its wrong

but the feeling’s getting stronger

Oh how I miss leafy greens – (out of the garden, oooh yes…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A landscape of shining leaves

Posted on May 3, 2017 | Comments Off on A landscape of shining leaves

I was thinking of autumn and remembered this poem by Elizabeth Smither.  I emailed her and asked if I could put it on my blog and she said yes, so here it is…

A landscape of shining leaves

All the way from the airport the autumn sun
touches leaves. They are the dominant feature,

one leaf, one tree. Then they are everywhere.
Little blazing shields, little stalwart soldiers.

Morals that are so pure they blaze
the sunlight back into the air

like a moment a child masters
a difficult piece on the flute or the piano

or a singer strikes like a bird call
an evasive blurry note. When

all the moral deeds of human beings
(in a new sub-species of science fiction)

are extracted from even the weariest bodies
and carried to become leaves on trees.

Elizabeth Smither

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Two Things

Posted on Apr 26, 2017 | Comments Off on Two Things

Why are the the spaces and lines on written music identified by different letters depending which stave they’re written on?   In the top one, the lines are egbdf and the spaces are face.  In the bottom one the lines are gbdfa and the spaces, aceg.  Why?  To make it harder?  To discourage people learning?   To keep reading music confined to a select few?

The scales, cdefgab are the same wherever you range on the piano.  If someone says play c and e and you play these two notes, you can choose any octave on the piano.  So why, when they’re written down between five lines and four spaces (and occasionally a ledger line) are the notes on  the top five lines and spaces identified by different letters from the bottom lines and spaces?

Some centuries ago, did some monk decree that reading music should be made harder so the the peasants couldn’t do it?  Or did he just wake up in a bad mood and think, ‘Right.  Here’s a way to drive logical thinking people crazy. And to keep the reading of music confined to a select few.’

I have tried and failed to think of a reason.  And while it’s not an insurmountable problem, not at all, a bit (or perhaps a little longer than that) of concentration and its done, but it’s illogical, unnecessary, and kids are completely put off.  They learn the top lot and are all set to play with two hands and then they’ve got to learn a different way of identifying the notes – and when they ask you why, you have to shrug and say, ‘Beats me.  It just is.’  Which is highly unsatisfactory for everyone.

And the second thing is more a cautionary note than a query.  There’s a lot of talk, discussion, re helping people who want to commit suicide.  I wonder if the same time and attention is given to those left to pick up the pieces?  When I wrote Wednesday To Come I didn’t expect that one of the outcomes would be that people felt that they now had someone who could identify with their feelings of loss, pain, anger, and shame.  Only those close to the person who kills him or herself know what its like to be ignored, whispered about, blamed, left to struggle on as best they can.  Among these people who approached and still approach me are those to whom it happened a couple of months ago, and those to whom it happened twenty years or more ago.  Time does not always heal.  The shadows that are cast are long and last  forever.

So just a cautionary note – in all the well-meaning and heartfelt attempts to care for those who are contemplating this act, among all the words extolling the beauty, virtue and kindness of those who committed this act, spare a thought and perhaps a word or a hug for those who are left.

 

 

 

 

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Gin and Coconut

Posted on Apr 12, 2017 | 1 comment

Theatre is a risky profession on all sorts of levels.  So many things can go wrong.  Listening to the report of the two boys who got their throats cut during a performance of Sweeney Todd, reminded me that when you step out on a stage you can never be sure what’s going to happen.

When the Catholic Church loaned us the little pedal organ they had stored in the loft of the church, we  promised to love, honour and obey it, forever.  We borrowed it because the play was Mervyn Thompson’s O Temperance and the old organ was perfect for the time and the temperance choruses.  Luckily, we had someone who had the physical stamina to pedal furiously while playing them.  At the party on the last night, later in the evening, after the organ-player had been drinking gin and dessiccated coconut (a Wairoa thing – don’t ask), decided to favour us with s dance.   If she’d just stuck to gin it would have been all right.  Or even gin and icing sugar which the props person was drinking.   Or the sherry and tonic, favoured by the oldest committee member.   There had been a craze for Vodka and Mint Sauce but that seemed to have died off.

She danced something purporting to be a flamenco dance.  Needless to say any relationship to real flamenco was only in the mind of the dancer.  Anyway during one of her Carmen Amaya spinning top turns she banged into the organ and naturally blamed the organ.  She bashed her glass on it and told it it shouldn’t have been standing in her way.  Then she slowly slid down the back of it and disappeared from sight.  The rest of us who had been watching (who wouldn’t?) in stunned disbelief from our first sight of the glass jar of dessiccated coconut, rushed to the organ and inspected it closely, patted it all over and someone even got a rug and cuddled it (end of run party – funny things happen, get a grip).  The organ was okay.  The woman came to eventually and said, ‘Something banged into me.  Where’s my glass?’  So she was okay.  But the jar of coconut had vanished.

Once I was props for a production where at some stage in the play, one of the characters had to throw a little clay figure onto the floor and break it. (Note:  I think the play was The Caretaker).   So I got to and made umpteen clay figures.  Blobs with rolls really.  I was very pleased with myself.  Should I make some extras for rehearsals?

‘No need,’ the director said, ‘he’s so clumsy, only has to look at a thing and it breaks.  He broke one of the stained glass windows in the Anglican church a week ago when he was taking a photograph of it’.

I put a little note on my props table, Clean and Sweep up Blob, as a nightly reminder.  The first night the guy picked up the blob with rolls and threw it at the floor.  It made a noise like the SAS was storming the theatre but it didn’t break.  The actor said, Fuck me.’  But Pinter wasn’t in the audience so that was all right.  I understand he didn’t take kindly to any changes made to his lines.  Over the three week season none of the blobs with rolls broke.  I think it must be some sort of record.  I can’t remember what I did with the two cartons of blobs but they’re not in the garage so I must have got rid of them somewhere.

Then there was the famous (in Wairoa) incident during the first night of Noel Cowards’s Blithe Spirit.  Time has mercifully blotted out my fury, but at one stage Madame Arcati (the medium) was doing her stuff when a figure in a long grey dress walked from one side of the set to the other.  To say Madame Arcati was put off her stride is like saying that someone is upset when their house is flooded.   It barely touches on the range of emotion suffered.

‘Jesus Christ,’ she yelled, ‘Holy Mother,’ and, crossing herself vigorously, picked up the crystal ball and  rushed off stage, leaving the other actors staring at each other until one of them with more presence of mind but less brainpower, said brightly, ‘It’s been a rather surprising day.  A  pig walked round the corner of my house when I was out in the garden.  I got a shock I can tell you.’

The audience, thinking this was part of the play, roared with laughter, and if Noel Coward had been in the audience, I hope he would have too.   By this time I was backstage hissing instructions at Madame Arcati, along the lines of, ‘I don’t give a fuck how many fucking ghosts there are, just get out there and finish the bloody scene.’

So Madame Arcati came back on and said, ‘There’s no-one there,’ sat down and continued the scene.

And no, we never found the woman in the long grey dress.  A bit odd.  But that’s theatre.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Take the leap…

Posted on Apr 5, 2017 | Comments Off on Take the leap…

One day a woman who’d been wanting to paint for years, who, because of circumstances  had not had any  training, who led a very busy life, woke up and thought, yes.  She got up, had a shower, turned the washing machine on, made breakfast for her husband and herself, washed the dishes, hung out the washing, sat at the table, drank a cup of coffee.  Smiled.

Then she grabbed her bag, got into the car, drove up town to the paint shop, bought brushes and acrylic paint, then back home where she fished around in the shed and found a couple of pieces of hardboard.  She propped the pieces of hardboard up against the wall, opened the tins of paint, stirred them, then picked up a brush, began painting a picture, began the journey

Around about the same time another woman saw a woman running past her place.  She’d seen her before because she ran past most mornings.  The woman watching supposed she was in training for something.  Or did she run for the fun and the freedom of it?   As she went off to work, the woman wondered what it was like, that freedom.  One day she saw a pair of track shoes in an op shop.  $5.  She tried them on.  They fitted and were in good nick.  She handed over the money and took them home where they sat in the bedroom for a couple of days.  Then one morning she woke up, thought, okay.  Okay.

But it wasn’t until the next night that she set the alarm for a bit earlier, got up, pulled on some scraggy old trackpants, found some socks, put on the track shoes, crept through the quiet house, locked the door behind her, opened the gate, went out on the footpath and began to run.  The first time was awkward and she felt a fool but she liked how she felt after, and even though her muscles  grizzled a bit,  that feeling was there for the rest of the day.  Every day for a month she went out and the runs got longer and less awkward and one day she passed that first woman who yelled, ‘The park, Saturday, ten o’clock, see you there.’  She smiled, nodded, stopped feeling foolish and started feeling free.

So the message is clear darlings, just do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Linear One

Posted on Mar 29, 2017 | 1 comment

I began writing this poem some years ago after my first duet with cancer.  I have played around with it over the years, as one does, and here is its current incarnation.  I wrote it for my granddaughter, Abbie Marie, who works in this area, and I dedicate it to everyone who has/is having this experience…

Linear One

(For Abbie Marie)

Sing, girl, sing – over there is a smiling mask
for sad days, a solemn one for happy nights.
Wear them for all occasions, wear them for fun.

Sing of the large dome, its measured descent, hands
stretched to grasp yours, of voices – soft, the light
of the shadow that lingers at the far end of the room.

Sing about death and faith and blood and the pathway
along which the full moon will come soft-slippered,
sip red-lipped wine from a bowl of thin glass.

Sing as you contemplate the masks that come and go
one for this, one for that. Give someone a mask and
they’ll tell the truth? In this room, songs will do.

Renée

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High as a kite

Posted on Mar 22, 2017 | 1 comment

Yes, it’s Otaki Kite Festival this weekend but that’s not what I’m talking about.  I got the piano just over a month ago.  No, I can’t play a Chopin Prelude, but I do a pretty good demo of scales.  The thing is, as you probably all know, you not only have to learn to read the hieroglyphics on the page and synchronise them with the notes on the piano, you have to use the correct fingers to do it. ‘If you don’t,’ a friend of mine said, ‘you’ll run out of fingers.’   Ha, I thought, but, as usual, friends are right.

Now I’ve learned to recognise the notes on the line and the notes in the spaces, and you’d think that would be enough.  But no – I have to learn the value of each note.  And I have to make myself use the correct finger?

‘Okay,’ I said, ‘let me get this straight. I have to identify the key I’m playing in, I have to read the notes on the lines and in the spaces, I have to give them the correct value, and do it with the right bloody finger?’ These comments were addressed to the piano so of course there was no answer.

This is what is called practice.  That’s the noun.  The verb is practise.   The people from outer space who correct my spelling, seem to want me to use the verb as a noun but then they also voted in Trump so sucks to them.

‘I practised for five years before I played a whole piece of music,’ said someone.

Apart from the obvious (if I adopt this way of thinking I might never get to play a tune) I have decided that I will practise and at the same time also attempt to learn a tune.  I’ve done it before on the ukulele.  I know that if I just keep going something recognisable will emerge.   I am a fan of rehearsal so practising’s not a problem but I also like to see results so any little step forward is a cause for celebration.

Getting the correct fingering is a real test of concentration.  I have one finger which is so damn lazy it just wants to lie around making no effort at all and leaving it to the ones on either side. I’ve met people like this and no doubt you have too but I’m not allowing a finger to get away with it.  I think this finger needs to be sent to boot camp so if anyone knows of a piece of music for second finger, left hand, please give me the title.  However, as you know and I know, muscle memory will kick in eventually.

When I think that a month ago I knew absolutely nothing and now I know a tiny something, that’s progress isn’t it?  Miniscule, yes, but I only have to please me, and I’m smiling, so something is working, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Millions of Strawberries by Genevieve Taggard

Posted on Mar 15, 2017 | Comments Off on Millions of Strawberries by Genevieve Taggard

I was given a clutch of books this week and in one was this poem by Genevieve Taggard.  Instantly I remembered picking blackberries in Greenmeadows with Val and Jim and eating blackberries and picking more and eating more…and eating more…those days when every summer’s day was hot and the skies were endless blue and we were free to roam.  We had a bucket and when we came home without it, I had to go back and find it.  I found it, ate some more blackberries, threw some in the bucket to pacify Mum and then trundled home as the sun was going down and the light in the sky was all shades of pink with a few thin blue streaks and I was so tired I could hardly eat my tea and only had a token wash before I fell into bed and dreamed of eating my way through the blackberries…

Millions of Strawberries

Marcia and I went over the curve

Eating our way down

Jewels of strawberries we didn’t deserve,

Eating our way down.

Till our hands were sticky and our lips painted

And over us the hot day fainted, and we saw snakes,

And got scratched,

And a lust overcame us for the red unmatched

Small buds of berries,

Till we lay down –

Eating our way down –

And rolled in the berries like two little dogs.

Rolled

In the late gold

And gnats hummed

And it was cold

And home we went, without a berry,

Painted red and brown,

Eating our way down.

 

 

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If ego comes can alter be far away?

Posted on Mar 8, 2017 | Comments Off on If ego comes can alter be far away?

I note in the local paper that one of our local elected officers says, Unless your position requires you to communicate with a particular audience or you have an ego that makes you write a blog or a tweet, it’s (writing a column) not something you get to do.’

I wondered what you need to stand for public office?  A retiring nature and a liking for solitude?

And I wondered how many of the citizens this officer represents write tweets or blogs?

I don’t mind if someone accuses me of having an ego.   I’m a human being, of course I have an ego.   Although what the accusation implies is that my ego has got our of control because I write a blog.

Ego – (1) a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.  (2) The part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and sense of personal identity.  And (3) the metaphysical explanation?  A conscious thinking subject.

So an ego’s not a bad thing to have really.  And remember, once upon a time we had party lines, we’ve always had gossip, and now we have tweets or blogs.

I wonder how big an ego I have to have to write a play or a novel?  Cook a new recipe?  Make a garden?   Send a request to RNZ Saturday Night Listener’s Requests?   Elkie Brooks, Pearl’s a Singer?  Thank you, Paul…ps need to get out of my comfort range – have you got Jesus was a Capricorn/He ate organic food?  Kris Kristoffersen.

Maybe it’s my alter ego (secondary or alternative personality)?  What a good idea.  I can blame everything on my alter ego.  She does all these things while I sit reflecting on life, the chaos theory or whether I’m a fox or a hedgehog.   See?  Not really my fault at all.

An ego’s a good thing.   So make the most of it.  You’ve got a secret dream?   What have you got to lose?  Go for it.

The first time’s the worst.

Like a lot of things really.

 

 

 

 

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Sorry, Ms or Mr MP, you failed your drug test…

Posted on Mar 1, 2017 | Comments Off on Sorry, Ms or Mr MP, you failed your drug test…

Drug-testing is a good thing and its such a good thing  I think the scope should be widened.  For example it should include Doctors, Lawyers, Police Commissioners, Mayors, Members of Parliament, Priests, Parsons, Councillors, Judges, Teachers, Tele-marketers and Trades Council Members.  To name a few.

All these have important jobs, they need to be bright and alert and focused.  They are making decisions to do with the lives of human beings eg you and me.  Now I don’t know about you but sometimes when I see an MP talking about climate change and water quality without looking worried, I start to wonder what the hell they’re on.  Or the teacher who tells me their students love their classes?  Go to the drug counsellor immediately.

A doctor who says to his patients no you can’t have an Xray but you can have a shovelful of hard drugs so when the pain gets worse you can swallow a fistful.  You’ll be a little foggy?  Well, yes, unfortunately that does mean you won’t be allowed to work because the drugs will show up on the drug tests and you’ll lose your job.  So you’ll have to go to WINZ and they’ll do a drug test and refuse you a benefit because you’ve failed their drug tests.  Yes I understand you won’t be able to pay the rent and you’ll have to sleep in your car and I’m very sorry. but those are the rules.

And don’t get me started on working in orchards or wineries.  Who tests the bosses?  Oh?  They don’t climb trees?  Yes I see, and paying the miserable hourly rate is no hassle?  You can be drugged to the eyeballs but you still know the difference between a living wage and a barely able to exist one? And then there’s the living conditions – crammed into bunkhouses, one shower between too many people – these are anecdotal stories but if the PM can do it…

I wonder about MPs who stay on…and on, grimly clinging to power (and the money and perks) when its clear they need to give up space to someone younger.  But the younger one might make mistakes?  Yes?  Your point is?

And now the PM says that the reason orchardists and farmers can’t employ young New Zealanders is because they fail drug tests and then it turns out that the numbers show only a small percentage fail drug tests so I can’t help wondering what the PM’s on?

And there’s adult cyclists who ride on footpaths, truck drivers who pass little old ladies in yellow cars doing 80K in an 80K area?  Huh?   Yes, it was me who gave you the fingers, ok mate?  And it was me who yelled, ‘Go and have a lovely drug test.’  I might not have put it quite like that but the meaning was very clear.

 

 

 

 

 

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