Hello, my name is Colin, I want to start a new political party and I thought I’d run my ideas past you in case you’d like to join.

I have plenty of money and I have a track record so I will be the one who stands for parliament and chairs the board. I didn’t see why I should have a board, more trouble than they’re worth I thought, but my legal advisers, to whom I pay heaps as well as sending them a blog and a new photo of me every day for a treat, advised me that having a board is a good look. ‘A good look, Colin,’ they said.

I will call my political party, Fresh Ultra-Konservative party, or FUK, for short. I think this will attract the younger voters.

I am expecting that a lot of you will want to join FUK but warn you that I will be running a few tests on prospective FUKers.

You will have to swear that you are pure of heart and pure-minded, that you are good, that you will never have sex with your Manager and that if by chance, in a moment of inattention you do, you will pay said Manager a goodly sum on the understanding they will never say a word. If you have never ever had sex in your life that would count in your favour. You would be inducted as a Board member by me but you will have to sign a vow of silence.

All FUKers must enjoy wearing suits and rolling round in the grass, especially in the spring when the daffodils are out and the dear little calves and sheep are frisking and shitting everywhere. We can discuss important issues about whether the earth is round or flat and what the FUK it matters because I’ve got lots of money and if you get a load of shit all over your good suit when we’re discussing these weighty matters, I will pay for the dry cleaning. The side effect will be that you will get used to rolling in shit when you’re with me but of course you will have to sign a piece of paper promising never to talk about this.

The FUK party will uphold values, I haven’t exactly decided what they are yet except for one important one. All FUKers must swear to support their leader, Me. There will be no drinking or sex or anything, we are not that kind of party. Yes of course I can do it because I formed this party, so what I say goes. And if anyone disagrees I will just give them a few thou and ask them to sign a vow of silence.

I don’t have to swear to uphold anything because I formed the Party and I have a lot of money, so it’s only fair.

I have to warn you that at the moment I don’t have any office staff or indeed an office, because I have paid everyone off and they have signed a vow of silence.

But if you think you’d like to be a FUKer, that this party is for you then write to me at the Fresh Ultra Conservative (FUK), PO Box, Colin Rules, and we can start the process.

Yours, (see you in the Sauna),

Colin.